What You Need to Know

Charles and I are getting our marriage annulled.
We both felt it was the right thing to do to get married, and, perhaps confusingly to some, we both felt it was right to get it annulled. The decision wasn't easy, but it was mutual.
We have both learned and grown much from all our experiences, and I can still honestly say that I am grateful to have met such an amazing and good man.
Family and friends have been incredibly supportive and I am grateful to everyone for that. I have a place to live for now and am doing fine.
I know you may have questions, and that's okay--people are curious. I appreciate the concern; however, if I haven't shared more with you already, this is all you need to know.

What did you expect?

The small lip of an awning over the chairs outside the sushi restaurant only shaded the left half of my body as I sat facing my friend, but I didn't think anything of it--until two and a half hours later when I was unlocking my bike and realized I had a dark sunburn on only the right half of my body. My right leg, right arm, and right half of my face were all dark red. So I did the next logical thing: I stopped by the bookstore and went down to the nearby park to read while I let the sun bathe the other half of my body, determined to even out this burn.

I didn't get much reading done. I called my mom first and talked for a while, and then I found myself talking a little to God. I was in the middle of this latter engagement when a boy who looked to be a slightly older or just graduated college student sat down at my picnic table. Beside him he plopped down a milk carton that read "Hope & Sesame." The side of the carton facing me read something along the lines of "Life is made of simple things" and then told a short story about the miraculous contributions of the sesame seed. I didn't actually read it because from the time the man sat down to the time he left I don't think he ever stopped talking, except for the occasional brief moment to take a swig from the carton.

I was honestly a little annoyed. I don't get all that much alone time, the park had been relatively quiet and peaceful, and God and I had been having a pretty good talk. But perhaps because he had interrupted in the middle of a prayer I carried a small expectation that perhaps there was something I was to learn from this man, and so, feeling safe in a well-occupied park and not having a whole lot else to do, I listened intently.

We had a relatively interesting discussion about our purpose in life, our expectations for others, what we look for in people, and the possibilities of change. He had a heavy accent that was hard to understand and spoke in a disjointed manner that would have made it hard to follow his train of thought even in perfect English. Occasionally he would ask a question but then it was clear later on he hadn't really been listening to my answer. That annoyed me a little and I didn't actually walk away with much, except for one word from the conversation that had seemed to etch itself in my mind: expectations. Expectations are a powerful predictor of pleasure and satisfaction--or dissatisfaction. 

It was my roommate who first pointed out to me this relationship. To illustrate, she had related the story of her first time trying red velvet cake. Not knowing quite what it was, she saw the dark red color and expected a nice fruity cake--strawberry or raspberry. Consequently, she was much disappointed at its lack of fruitiness and since then has carried a distaste for red velvet cake. 

I learned a few things from my roommate and from my conversation with this man about expectations. First of all--I had expected to learn from him, and so consequently, I did. When we expect the best, that is more often what we will find. Secondly, as I thought of how often we can feel disenchanted or disappointed because of our expectations going unmet or unrealized, I thought of some of my own expectations that might benefit from adjustment. What are your expectations for yourself? For others? Are they fair? Do others know what the expectations you have of them are? 

Next time you find yourself disappointed or unsatisfied by an outcome maybe one place to start is by asking yourself, as I have done, What did I expect? 

I Believe You Need Help

There is a dice game that my husband, Charles, and I like to play during our meals. It involves rolling six dice and hoping to gain points with ones, fives, or sets of triples. Normally the game is played until one reaches five or ten thousand points, but seeing as we play it so often, we decided to keep a continuous score tally until someone reached one hundred thousand. Charles had reached the game-ending score, leaving me with one more chance to pass his score and win. It would take a miracle though, and my dice had not been rolling well.

In my family, we grew up serious competitors in this game. The dice had roll-outs where we rolled all the dice from a large bag, selecting the best ones to play with based on the results. When dice "misbehaved" we put them in timeout. We scolded our dice, taught them, whispered to them our desired rolls and strategies, and even tried to sabotage the other players' dice by telling them to roll bad numbers. Sometimes they listened. Most times they didn't. But that was an easy matter--we would just put them in timeout and get new ones that would "listen."

The game was down to one final role--one last chance to beat Charles. Talking to my dice, Charles said, "I believe in you," to which I responded, also in reference to my dice, "I believe you need help."

Afterward, we discussed that little exchange. Often we are apprehensive about asking for help. To do so can seem like admitting some deficiency or defeat. Are we not strong enough? Good enough? Smart enough?

I have been married a week today. It's wonderful, exciting, and slightly terrifying. There are a lot of adjustments and a lot of sacrifices. At times it can seem overwhelming. But I remember the exchange over the dice and am reminded that the most beautiful thing about marriage is you get to face everything together. I believe that I can do this. I believe that I need help. I believe in my sweet husband. I believe he needs help, too. And isn't a beautiful thing that we can help each other?

Sometimes though that isn't enough. At such times we call upon outside help--family, friends, our Savior. Not because we can't do it, not because we're weak, but rather because we believe in us.

And believing in us means we are willing to get help and work through challenges. We believe we need help because we believe in us. As my husband and I discussed this concept, he remarked quite insightfully, "You know, that sounds a lot like the Savior: I believe in you. I believe you need help."

We know we need the Savior's help, and we know He came to help us. We also know that His offer of grace, rather than belittling His belief in us, is a testament of his firm belief in who we can become. So next time you find yourself needing help, don't think of it as a defeat or a disgrace. Rather, think of it as an opportunity to exercise belief in yourself and in the change and progress you can and will make--with a little help ;).