Trusting

 Faith is trusting without knowledge of a reward. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about faith and trust. When I realized I was lesbian, the entire reward of living a righteous life seemed to crumble. As mentioned in my earlier post, I didn't see how heaven would have a place for me, and without the promise of heaven and eternal life with God, what was the point of staying righteous?

I thought about it a lot. And I realized perhaps this is what true faith is. I'd always been a little bothered by the idea that we humans can never seem to be completely selfless, because we know that whether in heaven or on earth, every good deed is eventually rewarded. But for as long as I thought that I could not make it to the highest degree of glory in heaven due to my orientation, the reward was gone. 

So why stay?

For one, even when the reward was gone and nothing really made sense, I was happier doing what I knew was right. Which would seem like a reward in itself, and on a smaller scale, it most certainly is. But on the larger scale, I learned to trust. 

Some time ago while I was listening to a talk by Elder Eyring, I had an impression that in some ways changed everything. I'd mention the talk but it's not important in that the impression I received seemed utterly unrelated. 

First, a little theological background for those less familiar with our Church's doctrine. We believe that before we came to earth, our spirits lived with God. There, we were presented with God's plan for us to come to earth, receive bodies, and through that experience gain the ability to become like Him. The plan necessitated a Savior, and Jesus Christ volunteered. There were some that didn't like the plan, or perhaps just didn't trust our Savior to do all he promised to do. These, with Satan, left, and rejected the opportunity to come to earth, receive bodies, and progress. All this to say that those of us who are here on earth are here because we chose to be--because we trusted the plan, and we trusted the Savior to fulfill it. 

The impression I received as I listened to that talk, in this light was merely a reminder of what I once knew. I'm honestly not sure how much we knew in heaven about the individual trials we would face on earth, but if orientation is part of our eternal nature--something that isn't ever going away--then I must have known then what I know now--that I'm lesbian. And I must have known then enough about God's plan and my Savior's role to trust that despite this relatively unique trait, I had a shot at eternal life. In this way, and perhaps rather comfortingly, it's not just about trusting the Savior, but also about trusting myself. I like to think I know myself fairly well, and I know that I can be a rather obstinate fighter. I also know that I strive for perfection, almost to a fault. Knowing these things about myself, I can trust that there had to be a strong reason, and just reward for me to come to earth. Whatever I knew then, in my perfect knowledge, made it worth it. 

Ironically, I don't have any more answers than I did before. But I know that I can trust my Savior and trust myself. And right now, I trust myself to trust Him. Is that not what faith is?